I gaze at the marble church as we pull into the hospital.
Not one space in the car park to be found. 3,4 minutes now
the numbness stood down as the irratation is wound.
A moment away from jumping the walls of this rolling penitentiary,
as Vinny darts into a gap on the grass verge, which has been waiting
with a sympathetic heart.
My Mother takes out her phone an calls Mark, the family liaison officer "I'll be waiting at the main entrance" I hear him say.
My Mother is starting to look empty inside. I muster up a smile,
she accepets with one of her own, and for a second it was like her
daughter was still alive.
I see the florescent coat first, then the man, standing straight with hat respectfully tucked under his arm. We greet an he's polite.
"It's just up here, a bit of construction being done on the next
building" he said. As some idiot comes speeding passed us, Mark takes his reg.
The sound of machinery distracts, an with each step becomes louder.
And I wish I was still imprisoned in that rolling penitentiary as I see a solitary buiding that reads 'chapel of rest'.
Anxiety pollutes my brain, we enter and I'm hit with leaflets of grief and loss. There is one lonely blue door, my kid sister on the other side. There is speaking but not one word do I hear. I feel my Grandmothers hand touch my back, with each tap I'm filled with strength. The door opens my mother goes in, then does Vinny, but I can't. I throw my tabs and hault. Again I feel my Grandmothers hand and with love she guids me through. There she is, our kid, our Charlotte, she just looks like shes sleeping, lazy cow.
I'm unsure how long I stared or what they were all doing, but I just coudn't take it any longer, big rain drops of tears uncontrolably stream from my eyes and splash out of there perfect aerodynamic shapes into messy puddles of hurt.
I kiss her an I'm hit with an unforgiving shock of lightening as the coldness from the empty shell of her body freezes somewhere in my heart now never to return. I remove my lips and it takes the man in me to hold this confused and frightened little boy together.
"My little baby girl" again, I hear her say "my little baby girl".
My hands grip the metal support bars on her bed I shake them through fear getting firmer and regular.
"Wake her up Mum" I demand "tell her to get up Mum". They all know im a slight breeze away from loosing control.
My Mother looks at me calmly and says " she never listens to me anyway Karl". Tears again burst from my eyes.
I head out of the room and my Grandmother holds me tightly. I've never felt so close to Gran. There's things in life you cant do alone, and I know this is one of them.
I find myself outside on a little brickwall, I take in a deep breath.
I become fixed on a workman smoking, he receives a text an laughs. Today to him is just today, like yesterday was just to us yesterday.
I look up, a beautiful and blue clear sky that's so calming to me.
And I know untill the day I'm knocking on heavens door, I'll forever long, for the April sky.