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As the title may suggest this is my journey, a pathway from chaos to order told through poetry.  It’s an exciting, affecting, and meaningful story.  An interesting read for anyone to enjoy. I also believe it has the power to encourage anyone who is trying to find their place in the world, who may be lost searching for meaning, a story with answers to a better life.

The journey begins with chapter 1 ‘Ill Fated Energy’ written about episodes of mental confusion, mania and breakdowns. ‘Seeing Death’ describes a suicide attempt. For a time, I was what I can only describe myself as a street urchin, living a crazy life. If I wasn’t ‘fucking, thieving or fighting’, as was our saying, I was in prison and going nowhere very quickly as described in ‘Troublesome’ chapter 2.

Chapter 3, ‘Penetrating Words’ I’m trying to understand the opposite sex with lust, heartbreak, and betrayal.

I start to listen to my conscience in Chapter 4 ‘Winds of Change’ as my soul cried out for meaning. I plead with God to enter my life and He pushes me to seek out answers, looking where I least wanted to look, at myself.  From this, I found therapy, one of the toughest battles I’ve been through. However, also the most rewarding. Much of this chapter reflects on my therapeutic process. The poem ‘Thy Will be Done’ is written to my daughter which I wrote after one tough session.  During therapy I felt the chains coming off one by one with each session. ‘Wild Winds’ is written about my therapist Dr. Melany Ball, and where I was as we departed ways.

‘Into the Light’ the 5th and final chapter, where it all starts falling together, and I share the answers to my deepest questions.  I also find true love with a tall blonde, who looked at me twice and inspired me in abundance to write of falling in love and the answers to transformation. Finally, I could not have been able to write this book or face my problems without reading 12 RULES FOR LIFE by Dr. Jordan B. Peterson and A MANS SEARCH FOR MEANING by Dr. Viktor E. Frankl.  I thank God for their wisdom, care, and encouragement.  Thank you and enjoy, K.L. Smith.

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(links provided)

Together

I couldn’t quite hear him
with the distance between us,
only muffles through the mask he was wearing.
It was a gentle breeze that hurled his words
straight into my ears, down into my heart.
Both of are dejected spirits now rallied.
“The vaccine is here, they’ve done it”.
Is what he said in a cheerful tone
that I’m sure will live with me forever.
He went back inside, I picked back up
my edging iron and I thought about my
fiancée and what she would look like
in her wedding dress and the future we
would share together.

A Daddy’s daughter

A God made love.

I remember the day vividly, when she asked me to remove the stabilisers from her pretty pink bicycle, with wick basket and handle bar tassels to match. “I’m too big for these now.” She said very certainly.

So self critical and upset each time she fell crying what a silly little girl she was and how she would never do it. I do pray she looses this trait and see how wonderful she is in my eyes. However like she does she learned quick, never gave up, and was speeding around those dips in no time at all.

The first time I let go of the bike and she took off riding solo a strange feeling dawned on me and I realised that one day she would have to ride through this world alone. I’d be there for her of course shouting instructions, praying for her safety but the reality was and will be, she’s the one with her hands on the handle bars choosing which direction to take. It’s tough to accept but I have great faith that eventually she will become the beautiful woman that God wants her to be.

Baby girl, my princess, my angel. Amelia heard many names by me but it was between12 to 18 months after she learned to ride that little pink bicycle, she would’ve been 6 turning 7 my little girl was labelled with the name ‘bumble bee’. She took to the stage as the queen bee in the ugly bug ball, not that any of the young children were ugly themselves, well not the queen bee anyway. I can still see her dancing now and like the name bumble bee the pride I felt in my heart stuck forever.

There are times I don’t appreciate just what an amazing privilege it is to be the father of a beautiful bumble bee however, as beautiful as they are bumble bees on occasions sting! I’m tested through her in so many ways more than I had ever imagined. She doesn’t hesitate to let me know when I fail. Again in many different ways, a look of sadness in her eyes that pounds on my heart. A sharp damming sentence that test my temper. My favourite has to be the slamming of the bedroom door that makes me take a breath and prepare peace talks. I was never good and taking the first steps of peace negotiations but there is something in being blessed with children that softens the pride in the toughest of hearts.

God has and still is changing me in the most amazing ways using my daughter in the great metamorphosis. I also understand our relationship with the creator in much more depth. In my love for her, when I’m testing her, pushing her, punishing her and forgiving her. It really does give me a greater understanding of the things we want and pray for, how they can be so far off what we actually need.

I punished Amelia once and she was very upset to say the least, in all honesty I just wanted to let her carry on what she was doing and take the punishment back its hard seeing her upset but I had to see it through no matter how awful I was feeling. Afterwards to my amazement after the sulking had worn thin of course. she found me she apologized and we hugged so tightly. During that embrace I thought about how God must want to give us everything we ask for but for us to learn and grow is much more important for us. There is always forgiveness when we come to Him with a heart full of love and repentance.

I pray for and thank God for my daughter daily and tell her often how much I love her. The greatest gift and challenge I’ve ever had and I look forward to many more happy and testing years, years always wrapped with love.

Now for a new test, the boy is here….

By His wounds

Palm leaves reach out in worship
for they knew, just who He was.
He flipped tables in the den of thief's.
He showed his way the truth. 
Broke bread and explained of a no greater love
then betrayed with a kiss.
Snatched in the dark, a snatch in secret.
Found guilty of His innocence, denied by His friends.
Cheers of victory as the metal ripped His flesh.
Embraces the cross He would hang upon 
a testimony to the truth.
From oil to their feet to nails through His hands.
They curse and mock as He makes all things new.
By His wounds we are healed.

Seeing Death

Last one goes in, goes down
crippled, keeled, floor pressing hard
against my double crown.
Dizzy, dazed feeling out for the door
struggling, curled out on the floor.
Sweat, tears, body's being bled,
gagging, chocking only bloods being shed.
I shut my stinging eyes to deaths smile,
it's attacking from inside agony it's vile.
Needing God's force to fight,
evils pondering like a moth to a light. 
They're laughing as I cry, 
there's no one to hold me and kiss me goodbye.
Familiar voices in my head, 
somehow different instead.
Is it him? The one who satisfies in my sin.
Eyes lost in my cry, all alone i'm going to die.
The blood runs from my wrists to my palms,
then catching my eye the new testament and psalms.

Summers Last Dance

Raining leaves falling far from half bear trees
rustling swirling with every well mannered breeze
a brief introducing from a hungry squirrel
 playing conkers on the ground
running quickly hiding from the trodden twig sound
natures beauty still attractive
smell of wood fire on cue
withering though soulful
lapping the last rays of the sun
as the lady birds lazily do
swings push happiness children laughing
in their fun
dogs greeting with nose to bum
I think of the talks, walks, love and romance
In this scene of Gods peace I realise already we've
had summers last dance.

West winds

West winds blow hope throughout 
the west lands of freedom.
In escaping the devils neck crank.
Am I now the batman and not the joker?
In a soprano high notes battle, she touched 
me with divinity at the foot of mount Zion,
that I am now brave enough to climb.
As a child of the creator
I hunted those words of value.
So if she's the beauty
I must undoubtedly be the beast
she civilized.

Dream

You were once only a dream that I had.
I was a meandering river 
gushing towards your valley of still
turned, the elixir of life.
As the dreamers dream,
now you're to be my wife. 
Dreams like you are beautiful.
But where do dreams begin?
Is it on the strings of harps and violin?
In the light of never failing love 
dreams believed come true. 
Still I dream of my future with you.